


Tainted Memories

by Deansbaby



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Destiel - Freeform, Doctor Castiel, Fluff, M/M, Singer Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-25
Updated: 2016-03-25
Packaged: 2018-04-17 06:07:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4655496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deansbaby/pseuds/Deansbaby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>7 years ago Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak had a whirlwind romance that ended abruptly and messily, causing them both to run. Now that Cas has returned home, he and Dean are reunited and old memories are resurfaced. Has their time come and passed, or is there still hope of rekindling a profound bond that had been torn apart all those years ago?</p><p>Xx sorry I suck at summaries xx</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm still working on the title so the one I have now is not permanent  
> Comment if you have any suggestions  
> Please let me know what you think of the first chapter :)

Walking down the little uneven sidewalk with his hand in Meg's as cars whizzed by and brick buildings cast shadows across their path, everything looked the same.

Yet everything was so different. 

Instead of him and Jo walking down this tree-lined street, laughing as one of them tripped over the bricks outlining the trees (one of them always did), he was walking with Meg contently at his side as she admired the world around her and took in Cas' hometown.

Instead of walking under the trees with Dean's arm slung casually over his shoulder while the fragments of light seeping through the trees caused his eyes to shimmer, Cas' fingers were laced with Meg's. 

He could remember the two of them walking down this very street one day all those years ago with ice cream cones in their hands. Cas had cookie dough and Dean had strawberry. Dean always got strawberry. Cas' started to melt and drip under the heat of the sun, causing a big drop of ice cream to leave a sticky trail down the back of his hand.

"Oh no!" He had exclaimed with a laugh, scrambling to lick up the rest of the cookie dough dripping down the cone. Dean had begun laughing at his frantic attempts to avoid another disaster, the sound brightening the world around them. Cas grinned to himself as an idea struck him. If Dean was going to laugh at him, he was going to endure the struggle of sticky ice cream mess, too. But worse. As Dean threw his head back and let out another laugh, Cas took the opportunity to take the remains of his beloved cookie dough ice cream (that he had practically BEGGED Dean to buy for him) and shoved it right in the middle of his face. Dean's laughter abruptly stopped as he stared cross eyed down at the mess of cookie dough goodness that was now coating his nose and mouth. And that's how they ended up having a full on ice cream battle in the middle of Fells Point. He remembered that day so vividly it hurt. Because that was the also the day Dean told Cas that he loved him for the first time.

As they made their way to Jo's house, he tried to push out all the memories of Dean and focus on the girl next to him. The girl with long brunette hair that sent a whiff of strawberries in his direction as the wind blew. The girl with chocolate brown eyes that gave off a strong, independent vibe to hide the insecurity and vulnerability behind them. That's who he should be paying attention to right now. He tried, he really did, to forget about Dean. 

It wasn't working.

He loved Meg, he loved her with all his heart. But being back here after 7 years drudged up the memories he had tried so hard to bury. It brought back Dean's emerald eyes, sparkling as he laughed at something Cas said. It brought back Dean's bright smile that could light up Cas' world, no matter what was happening around them. 

"So, this is where my sweet Clarence grew up. It's charming, Cas," Meg said as she admired the scenery of Fells Point. 

"Yeah, for the better part of my childhood at least," at the mention of his past, Meg smiled one of her rare soft smiles at him. See, he was born in a smaller town in Maryland called Sykesville. But after his parents died, he was sent to live with the Harvelles, close family friends, up in Baltimore. He didn't remember much about his parents, just that his mom had the same crystal blue eyes he had and a soft, gentle voice and that his dad had strong arms that made him feel safe as a child. The accident happened when Cas was only 7 so he couldn't even recall most of his memories of them. The therapist said that after the accident Cas' mind most likely blocked out significant memories of his parents to lessen the pain. She said that it probably specifically blocked out the accident as that would, for some unknown reason, cause trauma. That's a load of bullshit though because he could still remember the crash as clear as day. Some therapist she was. The only memories he WANTED to have were the happy ones of his early childhood with them, but those were the ones that were lost.

-

Suddenly they were on Bethel St, staring up at the brick townhouse he and Jo used to rent together. By now, Jo had probably bought it for herself. That wasn't what was supposed to happen. But the original plan was derailed when Cas left. He took a deep breathe and guided Meg up the unevenly stoned steps to the front door. He was squeezing her hand so hard it probably hurt, but she didn't say anything. She just used her thumb to rub circles on the back of his hand as his knuckles turned white. Just like Dean used to do. As he raised his fist to knock on the door, an image of Jo's angry and disappointed face flashed through his mind. He couldn't do this. After what he did to her, after what he put her though, she would never forgive him. It was supposed to be the two of them until the end- but he bailed. His hand froze and it was like air was being sucked out of his lungs. Meg noticed the sudden change and wrapped her arms tightly around him. She played with his hair as she held him and calmed him down. This always felt so right- being in her arms. But standing here at Jo's house, he wished for Dean's arms, not hers. 

After a minute, she released him and encouraged him to go ahead and knock. He took another deep breathe and raised his fist again. But, before he could make contact with the old wooden door, it was flung open, revealing a fuming Jo.

Cas didn't know what he had expected when he showed up on his best friend's (If she would even consider them best friends still) doorstep after 7 years. Screaming, maybe. Or maybe an angry lecture. Perhaps the silent treatment.  
But he had to admit, he was caught off guard when she reached out and slapped him across the face and then proceeded to pull him inside her house as Meg trailed after them, a shocked look on her face. 

"What the hell, Cas?!" Jo yelled, turning him to face her. He dropped his eyes to the ground in shame. "For months- months!- I looked for you. Balthazar and I looked EVERYWHERE for you. I tried to contact you. I tried to figure out where you might have gone too. I tried calling Gabe and Anna for God's sake and even they had no idea where you were!" After she finished her rant, she took a deep breathe to compose herself and held Cas' guilty gaze for a moment. Then, as even more of a shock, she reached out and pulled him into a giant hug, wrapping him up in her small arms like she had on so many nights before when he woke up shaking from a nightmare. This was Jo- his Jo. His best friend and his parter in crime. Suddenly the weight of how much he missed her became crushing and before they knew it they were both silently crying into each other's shoulders. "I've missed you so much, Cas. Never do that again or I swear I'll kill you."

"I won't. I promise. I missed you too much." Jo pulled back and smiled at him. She pretty much looked the same as when he left, her blonde waves of hair falling to her shoulders and her lips pulled into a soft smile. But there was a slight difference now, only detectable by someone who had known her his whole life. She was paler, thinner, and perhaps a little more broken looking behind that rough exterior than when he left. He couldn't help but feel ashamed knowing that he had probably caused that. 

"Who's this?" Jo asked skeptically, as if she'd just noticed the stranger in her house. Meg shifted uncomfortably by the door. Cas wasn't sure how they would get along. While Jo was tough,  
Meg was snarky. While Jo was more of the "cross me and I'll beat the shit out of you" type, Meg was more of the "cross me and I'll manipulate you and screw you over" type. But, while the two girls has different methods, when it all came down to it, they were quite similar in their strength and independence and "don't fuck with me" attitudes. Basically, it could go really well or really wrong.

"Jo, this is Meg," Cas said, gesturing to the brunette as she stepped forward. He didn't want to drop the bombshell of what Meg was to him on Jo just yet. He'd just shown up on her doorstep after abandoning her for so many years, she could only take one surprise at a time.

-

"I can't believe you talked me into this," Cas groaned at Jo as she dragged him and Meg to the front of the large crowd. After lots of begging and guilt tripping, Jo had convinced Cas to come with her to a little club in downtown Baltimore. Basically the only reason he agreed to go was because she pulled the "you abandoned your best friend for 7 years and made her life hell" card. Clubbing was not his thing and Jo knew it. The whole situation was uncomfortable. A room full of sweaty, drunk people packed into a small area as they danced on top of each other with music playing too loud for anyone to actually talk to each other. Plus the whole fact of being out in public surrounded by people didn't really sit well with Cas.

"Hey, you owe me. You owe me, like, a thousand. The least you can do is come out and have a good time with me!" Jo yelled back over the obnoxiously loud music. 

"Yeah, yeah, I know. So what was the band you were so excited about seeing here tonight?" She had been going on and on about the band playing here tonight on the drive over. 

"Oh, just some band I've heard a few times. You probably haven't heard of them..." She said suspiciously. He squinted his eyes at her. She was up to something. 

"Hey, Clarence, I've gotta hit the little girl's room. Be back in a sec," Meg called into his ear. He nodded his head and gave her a quick peck on the cheek before she turned to navigate her way through the mass of people. 

Suddenly the light turned down even lower (if that's possible) and an array of spotlights shone down on the stage in front of them. Cas looked down and played with his hands, trying to calm himself down. He could handle being out for one night. He could do this. 

"Hey everybody, we're The Demon Inside who's ready to rock?!" Cas' head shot up. It was like an electrical current had been sent through his body. He knew that voice. He would recognize that voice anywhere. That's the voice that sang him back to sleep when he would wake up from a nightmare. That's the voice that used to whisper sweet nothings into his ear to talk him back from the edge of a panic attack. That's the voice that mumbled "I love you" every night before Cas drifted off to sleep. That voice belonged to Dean Winchester. His Dean. 

He immediately knew what Jo had done. He wanted to turn and scream at her, but he was frozen, his eyes glued to the man on the stage. He looked the same as he did when he left but his once soft eyes looked hardened and his voice was gruffer than he remembered. He was wearing a faded pair of jeans and a black leather jacket over top a white t-shirt. That was definitely his Dean. 

As Dean began to sing, Cas could do nothing but stand and stare in admiration. He listened as every syllable came out of Dean's mouth, each one adding more energy to the cramped room, and watched as Dean gripped the microphone and sang his heart out. This is always what Dean loved to do, it was his passion. 

He could remember when they first met, Cas had been browsing in the library for a book for one of his classes. He was on his first year studying at John's Hopkins medical school at the time. He was skimming down a shelf of books looking for the one he needed when he heard faint singing from the other side of the stacks. He immediately lost track of what he was doing, captivated by the quiet mystery voice. He hesitantly wandered towards the direction the singing was coming from and found a man with bright green eyes and slight stubble on his face leaning against the wall, intently focused on the book in his hand. Cas imagined the man didn't even realize he was singing, he was so into that book. Cas cleared his throat. The man's head shot up.

"Oh- uh- sorry- sorry did I disturb you- I, uh didn't mean to. Sorry. I'll go." The man said, hurriedly closing his book and jumping up, embarrassment in his eyes. Cas stopped him before he could walk away.

"No, please don't rush off. I don't mind. It was quite beautify actually," Cas said quietly, not sure if he was being weird or not. The man blushed. "I'm Cas."

"Oh, uh, thanks. I'm Dean." He said, offering his hand. Cas shook it. 

"What are you reading?" Cas asked him curiously, gesturing to the book in Dean's hand.

"Oh, this? I don't know it's about lawyer stuff. My younger brother is studying to be a lawyer- he's really smart- and I wanted to be able to understand a little of what he's talking about when he tells me about what he's doing. To be honest I don't really understand any of it. I'm not smart like him. I mean, technically speaking, I don't even go here...I never even went to college. I just wanted to borrow the library," Dean said, staring down at the book. 

"I'm sure you're very smart. I probably wouldn't understand any of it either. All of that legal stuff is very confusing to me," Cas tried to reassure him. A small smile crept on to Dean's face. "You could keep singing if you want. It's going to take me a while to find the book I'm looking for and I really enjoy your voice," Dean smiled and sat down, reopening his book and beginning to sing a song Cas had heard many times- Hey Jude. But none of the times he had heard it could compare to the way Dean sang it, soft and quiet. Cas turned back to the shelves of books and let his eyes skim over the titles. He went through the motions as if he were searching intently, but all of his focus was on Dean's voice and the way it seemed to light up the dull room. 

At some point while Cas was distracted by Dean's presence on stage, Meg had reappeared by his side. She had her hand around his waist and was leaning into him.

"They're pretty good!" She yelled over the music. Cas could only nod in response, unable to take his eyes away from the lead singer or open his mouth to speak. Suddenly, as if some asshole up in heaven was trying to be funny, Dean's eyes found their was to Cas'. The moment their gazes found each other, it was like someone had held up an old camera to Cas' eyes, one holding pictures of every memory he and Dean had shared all those years ago. Dean's singing faltered for a moment as as look shock passed over him. He kept going just fine, but to someone who knew Dean, you could tell that his heart was no longer into it. 

Finally, Dean tore his gaze from Cas and went back to trying to focus on the music. Free of the trance he had been in, Cas managed to turn to Jo who was smiling at him innocently.

"You knew. You knew he'd be here tonight! Why would you do this?" Cas yelled.

"Consider is payback for the seven years of hell you put me though. Besides, you were bound to run into him eventually on your little trip home. I just sped up the process. You should be thanking me." Jo yelled back, stating it matter-of-factly. 

Cas' eyes wondered back and forth between Jo, Meg, and Dean until he became dizzy.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :)  
> Please let me know what you think!

Do you ever have those moments where the fear in anticipation of something builds up inside of you until it feels like your oxygen supply has been cut off and the world is ending? As the concert started coming to a close and Dean announced they only had a few songs left, this feeling came bubbling up inside of Cas. He knew Dean saw him and he knew an awkward confrontation was unavoidable. He turned to glare at Jo again who, once again, gave him her best "I had nothing to do with this" look of innocence. Meg was still hanging ignorantly at his side, completely unaware of the shit storm that was about to hit. 

"I cannot believe you did this." Cas stated once again at Jo. 

"I can't believe you ditched me and disappeared for 7 years. We all have to deal with surprises at some point in our lives," she retorted. She said it jokingly but there was a slight hint of hurt behind it. His face softened as guilt once again filled him, replacing the dread. As he and Jo stood there staring at each other for a moment, eyes locked in a silent conversation, a herd of people started shoving and knocking into him as they made their way away from the stage. That's when Cas noticed the music had stopped. He turned towards the stage and found it empty. Panic built inside of him. He frantically began searching around the room until he found a certain green eyed man who was currently leaning against the corner of the stage signing some autographs for a bunch of girls who might as well have come naked for how skimpily they were dressed. Seriously, they belonged in a strip club, not a night club. Unexpected jealousy built up in Cas' chest as he watched Dean sign the chest of the really tall one with long blonde hair. He shoved it back down and turned back to Meg. She smiled at him, one of her rare sincere smiles, and took his hand. 

"I had a good time tonight, Clarence. I'm glad you brought me here," she told him happily, swinging his hand in her own. He tried to force a smile for her and gave her a quick peck on the cheek before switching his gaze back to where Dean was standing. This time, however, he wasn't signing autographs. He was staring wide-eyed directly as Cas. 

Panic began building in his tightening chest so he reached out and grasped the edge of the stage stage to steady himself. Jo caught his small movement and looked to see what had his attention. Her eyes saw Dean and she instantly jumped into action. 

"Hey Meg, can you show me where the bathroom is? One too many beers!" She quickly asked Meg, keeping a view of Dean in the corner of her eye.

"Sure, Blondie, follow me," Meg replied, motioning for Jo to come with her. As Jo began following Meg away from Cas, she turned around and gave him a pointed look, as if to say "don't you dare even think about running away."

He watched them disappear into the crowd before turning his attention back to Dean, who was now making his way over to Cas. As Dean got closer with each step, Cas' heart dropped a little farther into his stomach. Before he had a chance to collect himself, Dean was standing in front of him, so close he could feel the heat radiating off of him.

"Cas?" Dean asked in disbelief, his voice breaking. A tension settled in between the two men, so thick Cas felt like he could reach out and grab it and use it to steady his shaking body. 

"Hi Dean..." Cas lifted his blue eyes to meet Dean's. Dean stared back at him, his green eyes wide and vulnerable. Next thing he knew, Dean's arms were around him, the tension slipping away along with Cas' nerves.

After so many years without being able to touch him, Cas felt himself unconsciously melt into Dean. Every part of them molded perfectly together, just as they did when they first met.  
He could feel one of Dean's hands on the nape of his neck and the other on the small of his back. Cas' head rested on his chest as Dean held him. It was like all of the life and happiness that had been lacking from him for the past few years seeped back into him through Dean's arms. That's when reality hit and he realized what was happening.

Cas abruptly jerked backwards out of Dean's hold and took a step back, just in time to see Jo and Meg heading back. He made eye contact with Jo, pleading with her to hurry up and get back over here before this got any more awkward.

"Jo Harvelle! What are you doing here?" Dean yelled happily as she got closer. A smile erupted on both of their faces as they embraced each other. 

"I just came to show these guys my FAVORITE band!" She teasees as they let go, gesturing to Meg and I. 

"Well it's about damn time! I haven't seen you around in a while. You either, Cas..." Dean added the last part awkwardly, letting his voice trail off. Cas shifted uncomfortably and instinctively grabbed a hold of Meg's hand. Dean noticed. "And who's this?" he asked curiously, with the same hint of skepticism in his voice as Jo had when meeting Meg for the first time. 

"I'm Meg," she said, introducing herself for Cas who could hardly breathe, terrified at the concept of his past and present colliding in a messy array of confusion and jealousy. "I'm Cas' fiancé."


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit does down.
> 
> ^ A+ summary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading a crappy fanfic by a piece of trash :)  
> Please leave a comment of what you think :)

What happened next could only be described as chaos. Meg just kept smiling and holding Cas' hand, blissfully ignorant. Jo looked like she was deciding who she wanted to brutally murder- Cas or Meg. Dean looked like his heart had dropped from his chest to the floor as the smile that had lit up his face when he hugged Cas was ripped from his lips. And Cas- Cas felt like the world was being dropped down on his lungs as he struggled to find the words to follow up Meg's bombshell.

Jo was the first to "speak".

"Your FIANCÉ, Cas?! Really?! You didn't think to mention that when you showed up on my doorstep with her?! Is that what you've been doing for 7 years while I've been worried sick about you? Getting fucking engaged?!"

After she finished screaming at him, she turned on her heel and stormed off towards the bar before anyone could say another word, her blonde waves trying to keep up with her body. 

"What crawled up her ass?" Meg tried to joke. When he didn't even crack a smile, she realized what she had done. "Cas I'm sorry, I didn't realize-" he cut off her apology.

"No, it's not your fault. I should have told her before we even came here. God this is such a mess." He dipped his head down and began rubbing his temples. What had he been thinking, just showing up here after so long? This was all a bad idea- a very, very bad idea. 

"Let me go talk to her," Meg offered gently. Cas quickly shook his head.

"No, no don't. I have a feeling that will just make it worse."

"Just trust me, Cas, okay? Let me try to fix this." Meg brushed a chunk of misplaced hair from Cas' face and dropped his hand. He watched silently as her small body pushed its way through the crowd to find Jo- who may or may not punch her when she sees her. 

Once both of the girls were gone, it was just Cas and Dean left awkwardly standing across from each other, both wondering where to advert their eyes to. After what seemed like ages of a thick silence, Dean spoke. 

"So, engaged, huh? Wow. Congrats, Cas," Dean tried to get out happily, but there was a hint of something underlying in his voice that Cas couldn't quite put his finger on. Finally, their eyes met again- and Cas wished they hadn't. It was like the flood gates has released and all the pushed back, repressed feelings for Dean came pouring back into his heart as blue eyes connected with green. Cas really didn't want to talk about them yet. He didn't want to go through the whole talk about what happened, he just wanted a few days to settle in before all hell broke loose- although it was a little too late for that at that point. He knew it was inevitable but he could still try to stall it.

"Dean-"

"No, really, I'm happy for you. I'm glad that running away worked out so well for you. You know, I just slept-walked around this town for years wondering if you would ever come back, worried sick about what could have happened to you. Hell, Cas, I couldn't get myself out of bed for months after you left. That night- the night that blew up in our faces- I went to bed thinking 'he'll come back. Cas will come back to me.' Because dammit, Cas, you were the one I always knew wouldn't leave me. But you did. I woke up the next morning to an empty bed, not realizing that it would always be that way from then on. And, wanna know my first thought when I saw you tonight, standing in the crowd with the stage lights illuminating your face like they were pointing you out just for me? I thought 'he came back for me. It took 7 years, but he came back.' But, you didn't come back for me. You came back with Meg. And I don't know why I thought that after all that time I could still have you, that you would just come back and tell me how much you missed me- that was really stupid of me- but I did. I believed it with my whole heart. So, Cas, I don't really want to hear anything you have to say to me right now because I have to take some time to make myself realize that what I've been trying to hold on to for so long is still just out of my reach and always will be."

And just like that the world imploded.

Okay maybe not the whole world, but Cas' did. 

All this time, he thought Dean didn't care that he left. He thought it was better that he left because Dean didn't want him anymore. He thought it was what Dean wanted. 

"If you seriously thought all this time that leaving was easy for me, then that's on you. Do you know much it took out of me to leave here? Leave my home and Jo? Leave you? I was an empty shell for years. I worked bussing tables at a crappy restaurant. I got up in the morning, went to work, went to the bar to try to drink you out of my life- and you know I was never the drinker in our relationship-, and then passed out on the couch. That was my daily routine. There was nothing left to me. Dean I didn't even shave. But then Meg found me and she put life back into me so yes, I'm engaged to her. She helped me and she makes me happy and I love her." He knew it was cruel adding the last part, rubbing it in Dean's face. But he was so angry all of a sudden. How could Dean blame this all on Cas? This wasn't all his fault. If Dean hadn't said those things that night-

"Well if you were so miserable why didn't you come back?" Dean asked, lowering his voice from his earlier shout. Cas dropped his eyes.

"I thought it's what you wanted. I thought you didn't want me anymore. And I couldn't deal with the thought of seeing you everyday and knowing you didn't want me, so it was easier to just stay away." Dean's eyes softened.

"Why would you think I didn't want you? How could you ever even believe that I didn't want you? I wanted you more than anything, Cas. The things I said that night- they weren't true Cas. You come before music. Always have and always will." To prevent himself from crying, Cas glued his eyes to the cement floor. His entire body was shaking. It felt like he was about to fall apart. This is what he longed for, wasn't it? For Dean to tell him that he wanted him? That's all he wished for for years after leaving. But now he's here and he's engaged to Meg and Jo hates him and everything is mixed up but in the midst of everything, Dean still wanted him. And that thought was enough to keep him floating on the clouds looking down at this mess in a state of calm.

But he was engaged to Meg.

Frantically, Cas began shaking his head and backing away from the man his heart has been chasing after since that day in the library so many years ago. He was with Meg. He couldn't have Dean because he had Meg.

"Dean I- I can't. Meg-" 

"I know, Cas. I know I can't have you. But just know that I've never stopped wanting you. The bed still feels empty when you're not curled up next to me. So I still want you, but I understand that I can't always get what I want." Cas took a deep breath. 

"Look, Dean. I don't want you out of my life, God knows that's the last thing I want. Do you think- do you think there's a chance we could try being friends?" He asked, already predicting the answer.

"I don't know, Cas. I can't just go right to being friends with you after everything that has happened. And I can't just hang out with you like buddies knowing there's nothing more appealing then just leaning over and kissing those God damn soft lips of yours. So I don't know. Maybe eventually," Dean said, staring at the ground and refusing the meet Cas' eyes. 

"I understand, Dean. Maybe one day..."

"Yeah, Cas... Maybe one day."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading a story written by a trash can :) please leave comments with that you think!

Cas and the wall of Jo's spare room had been locked in a staring contest for about an hour. After everything with Dean, Cas snuck out of the bar, leaving Meg and Jo behind. When he passed them they were in the middle of a deep looking conversation so he grabbed a cab and let them do their girl thing or whatever. Anyway, the wall was tough competition, but at this point Cas felt pretty confident in his ability to win this. He figured he deserved at least one win tonight. 

His dreams were dashed, however, when his concentration was broken by a knock on the door.

"Cas... It's me... Can I- can I come in?" Jo's quiet voice asked gently from the other side of the wooden door. Cas slowly lifted himself out of his slouched position on the bed and walked over to let her in.  
She walked right passed him and sat down on the bed.

"Jo, I'm so sor-"

"No, Cas. I need to apologize. It was really unfair of me to explode like that. I know that. I knew that as I was saying those things. And I'm not mad that you're engaged, I'm actually really happy for you. But it hurt, you know? It hurt that at one point you told me everything as soon as it happened, but now..." Cas dipped his head in shame. "And listen, I know it's not my place and you probably don't want to hear it, but for what it's worth, the minute you and Dean saw each other it was like the rest of us disappeared. And I believe that you love Meg, but what you had with Dean doesn't just disappear no matter how much time has passed."

"Jo-"

"Get some sleep, Cas. I'll see you in the morning. Oh- and Meg decided it was best to stay at a hotel for the night so things could cool down. She sends her love. Night, best friend." With that, she left him with soft smile and slipped out of the room. Cas was left thinking about what Jo had said about him and Dean- and questioning why he didn't seem to miss Meg all that much. She's his fiancé, shouldn't he miss her every second he's not with her? He tried to will himself to feel empty without his fiery brunette curled up against him as he laid down in the blue comforter that once was going to belong to him, but all he came up with was a longing for Dean.

~

With ruffled hair and blurry eyes, Cas groggily stumbled his way into Jo's kitchen. He was delighted to see Meg sitting at the island eating a plate of waffles Jo had probably so graciously prepared for them when he walked in.

"Morning sunshine, looking bright and perky this morning," Meg joked, getting up and wrapping her arms around a sleepy Cas. He leaned into her and smiled into the crook of her neck. His doubts from the night before were put to rest as feeling of joy spread inside of him being in Meg's small but strong arms.

"Ah, look at the two lovebirds," a voice cooed from the living room. Cas' heart stopped as Meg's arm tightened around him. His eyes slid to Jo.

"What's he doing here?" He asked her accusingly. She held up her hands (covered in powder sugar) in mock surrender.

"Hey, he just showed up here! I couldn't just lock him out!"

"Well...I mean you could have..." He grumbled as she shot him back a glare. Leaving Meg and Jo in the kitchen to finish their waffles, Cas stiffly wandered over to the living room to talk to Dean. 

"Do you mind? You're a pain Cas but I can't see through you," Dean joked (one that he used to make all the time) as Cas positioned himself in front of the TV, blocking Dean from watching some old west movie that he had probably already seen. 

"Why are you here?" 

"Well, let's see. Jo's my best friend, free waffles, and a nice ass TV. Oh, and you of course," The smug bastard winked at Cas. 

"What happened to 'I'm not ready to be friends'?" Cas asked, starting to get annoyed.

"Oh I'm not here to be friends. I'm here to win you back," A smirk played across Dean's over-confident (and, granted, unbelievably gorgeous, although Cas would never admit it out loud again) face. Cas began to open his mouth but quickly closed it. At a loss for words, he huffed and walked briskly back into the kitchen, sitting down beside his fiancé. He could feel Jo's eyes on him, amused, as he kissed Meg on the cheek. Meg grinned and kissed him back, soft pink lips gently pressing against his. This was where he belonged- with Meg. Right?

~

About 2 hours after Cas found him in the living room, Dean had to leave for rehearsal with his band- Cas was very relieved that he would get a break from dealing with that arrogant, green eyed boy, even if those God damn eyes could still melt Cas with just one look. After Dean's departure, Cas, Jo, and Meg settled into the old leather couch- which Jo had presumably taken from her mom- to watch a movie. Being back here, watching a movie with Jo, Cas couldn't help but remember all the nights he, Dean, and Jo had spent curled up on a couch together watching an old west movie that Dean would have somehow talked them in to. He could feel himself leaning into Dean's chest, his body moving with the steady up and down of Dean's breathing. He could feel Dean's hands mindlessly playing with his and intertwining their fingers. 

As Meg leaned further into Cas and nuzzled her head into his chest, he snapped out of his reminiscence of Dean, scolding himself for thinking that way. He looked up and saw Jo staring at him intently, eyebrows furrowed. He caught her eye and looked at her questioningly. She slipped out of whatever thought she was lost in and smiled at him.

"Oh, by the way Cas, the party starts in 2 hours!" She grinned at him excitedly. Cas groaned.

"A party? What party? Really, Jo?" He definitely was not in the mood for a party right now, not with Dean trying to occupy every free moment of thought. He just needed some time alone with Meg to remind himself why he originally came back here, to show his fiancé-whom he loves- his hometown. 

"A welcome home party! Dean's band is providing live entertainment!"


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long to update (if anyone even cares lol)  
> Sorry if it sucks :/  
> Please leave comments with any thoughts or criticism :)

"You're unbelievable." Cas grumbled as he fixed his shirt, glaring at Jo who was innocently preparing food for the completely uncalled for welcome home party. 

"Cas, your other friends missed you, too, not just me! Hannah has been a mess. Also, I might have invited Anna and Gabe..." Her voice trailed off guiltily. At the sound of his siblings' names, Cas' head shot up. When he left, he told no one where he was going, including his brother and sister whom he was once so close with. Dread filled him as he anticipated how Anna and Gabriel would react to seeing him after so long. "I'm sorry Cas, but it's what's right. They have been worried sick. They were even more of a mess than me, which is saying a lot. I wouldn't have been able to forgive myself if I didn't invite them. And it's your fault if things go to hell between you guys so you aren't allowed to be mad at me for this." Cas sighed and ran his hand through his neatly combed hair. 

"I'm not mad. You're right." He conceded, knowing he had no place to be upset with Jo. She smiled softly at him as she placed the last bowl of chips on the marble counter. With that, the doorbell rang.

Jo gave him a look that said "get your ass over there and answer the door" so Cas did exactly that, reluctantly opening up the door. On the other side was a nervous looking Hannah. Her hair had grown out a little longer but other than that she looked exactly how he remembered her. 

"Hey Hannah..." He said awkwardly, unsure of how to proceed. With little hesitation, Hannah stepped forward and threw her arms around him. 

"I can't believe you're really back!" She exclaimed happily as she released him. As he stared at his friend, he was hit with another wave of guilt. This was the girl who had spent long nights with him and a box of pizza talking about nothing yet everything, the girl who used to sit for hours studying for history tests (the only class he struggled in) with him and didn't even get frustrated, the girl who helped him through high school with Jo. Jo and Hannah were like the dynamic duo. When Cas was receiving his usual not-so-kind-and-friendly treatment, Jo would defend him and, if it came to it, kick someone's ass, while Hannah would comfort him and talk to him until Jo could come sit with him. They were a "Castiel The Nerd Tag Team Defense Squad" (their self appointed name) and he probably wouldn't have gotten through high school without them. 

"Hannah, I'm so sorry. I-" Cas started, but is cut off by another hug. 

"Don't even bother apologizing, I don't want to hear it. Let's just move on, please." Cas nodded in acceptance and motioned for her to come inside.

"Hannah's here!" He announced to the house- meaning Meg and Jo- as he lead Hannah into the kitchen. Hannah walked right over to hug Jo but then hesitated in front of Meg. 

"Oh, uh, Hannah this is Meg, my fiancé. Meg, this is my good friend, Hannah." After he introduced the two girls, they hugged awkwardly, Meg attempting to be friendly even though it wasn't her specialty and Hannah trying to hide how freaked out she was that Cas just introduced her to his fiancé. Cas kept his eyes on the ground and took a deep interest in the hem of his sweater as the three girls made an attempt to socialize. He only looked up when he heard Jo's voice.

"Wow, you could cut the tension in here with a knife," she joked, popping a pretzel into her mouth. He shot her a glare and she shut her mouth as Meg and Hannah shifted awkwardly. 

"Hey, I'm gonna hit the ladies room real quick, Clarence. Don't miss me too much," she teased, reaching up to kiss him on the cheek before disappearing down the hall.

"Well this should be good," Jo joked, leaning back in her seat at the island.

"What the hell, Cas?" Hannah whispered angrily, careful to keep her voice down so Meg didn't hear her. Cas took a deep breathe and was about to start trying to explain things to her and try to justify his actions that even he knew were unjustifiable, but Hannah stopped him. "Listen, I haven't seen you in like forever and I really don't want to argue with you already," she sighed and looked up at the ceiling. "So, congratulations Cas, I hope the two of you are very happy together, let's eat." She reached over to the bowl Jo was eating out of and took a handful of pretzels. Flustered and nervous, Cas left the kitchen to go sit in the spare room for a moment so he could breathe.

If the reunion with Hannah had gone that uncomfortably, what would it be like when Anna and Gabe showed up? And what about when Dean was thrown into the mix? Cas' only hope was that Dean would be too distracted playing with his band to torment him too much and he would be able to focus on repairing the damage with his siblings. Leaning back on the bed, Cas tried to control his breathing and ran a hand through his disheveled hair. His heart rate was almost back to normal when there was another knock. It was Jo's turn to get the door. 

As he crept down the hallway back towards the kitchen, he tried to listen through the wall to see if he could hear any voices he could identify. When all he could catch were a few muffled hellos, he realized he was just going to have to risk going in blind.

A mixture of relief and annoyance settled in Cas as his eyes found Dean surrounded by 3 people he didn't know lounging at the island with Jo, Hannah, and Meg. The only girl of the group had short, fiery red hair and pale skin, wearing a Harry Potter shirt underneath a pink and blue flannel. She was the first to spot him as he peaked around the corner.

"You must be Cas!" She came right up and wrapped him in a hug, despite them never having laid eyes on each other previous to this moment. "I'm Charlie!"

"Charlie's our drummer," Cas eyes drew away from the bubbly red head at the sound of Dean's voice. "This is Benny, our backup singer," he pointed to a large guy with a beard standing behind him. "And that's Kevin, our guitarist," he nodded towards a guy with shaggy black hair and a black and white button down, currently stuffing a cookie into his mouth. He finished stuffing the cookie in and waves. Cas said hello to everyone and then walked over to stand by Jo, careful to avoid Dean's eyes. 

"We're gonna go set up our stuff," Charlie said, hoisting a bag over her shoulder. Jo lead her out the kitchen towards the backdoor, as they would be playing out back. Benny and Kevin followed behind the girls, dragging some equipment with them. Hannah glanced between the two of them awkwardly because, unlike Meg, she knew their history. Making matters worse, Hannah cleared her throat and said,

"I think I'm gonna go see if they need any help," she practically ran out of the kitchen and out the back door. Well that wasn't at all suspicious, thanks Hannah.

"Well, it's nice to see you again Dean. I'm gonna go...help too...looked like they had a lot to set up. Meet you out there?" Cas gave Meg a tight smile and nodded. She walked up, wrapped her arms around him, and gave him a quick peck on the cheek (she's been doing that a lot since we got here) before strutting out of the room, allowing both Cas and Dean to admire her figure as she exited. 

"So baby, it's just you and me," Dean smirked and leaned against the counter. His green eyes pierced into Cas with a sense of accomplishment of getting Cas alone. He clearly hadn't shaved in a few days and there was slight stubble adorning his sharp jaw. His bicep flexed under his tight fitting black t-shirt, causing Cas' breathe to hitch in his throat. Fuck.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally got another chapter done :) it's not very long and it took so long to post because I've been so stressed and overwhelmed with school lately. So, I hope you enjoy and thanks for reading!

Cas' eyes darted around the room, trying frantically to look anywhere but at Dean, as he tugged at the hem of his black skirt.

"Um...maybe we should go out and help, too," he suggested desperately.

"There's like 6 of them out there Cas, I think they've got it covered," Dean said, an amused smirk playing on his face.

"Yeah but still, it would be rude not to help,"

"You know, Cas, you can't avoid me forever,"

"You're right, but I can still try," Cas was about to run out the back door when there was another knock from the front of the house. His heart dropped. With a sinking stomach, he trudged over to the front door to presumably let in his siblings.

With shaking hands, he twisted the knob and pulled the door towards his chest, taking a deep breath. The first thing he saw was Anna's bright red hair and green eyes anxiously watching him and Gabriel standing behind her wringing his hands. 

Before any words were said, Cas' face was shoved into a nest of red as Anna's arms pulled him into her.

"Are you fucking crazy?!" She screamed at him once she let go, smacking him in the head, "what in God's name made you think that was a good idea? Gabriel and I have one little brother and our job is to protect him and then he just up and leaves without saying a word? Not okay, Cas. But I'm glad your back."

"I-I'm sorry-" Cas tried to whisper.

"We know, Cas." Anna interrupted, cutting off his apology with another hug. "Now, where's Jo?" She asked as she brushed past him into the house, heading straight for the backdoor without even waiting for an answer. Cas and Gabe were left staring uncomfortably at each other, Cas wondering if he should just invite him right in or talk first.

"I've missed you, you little pain in the ass," Gabe said, ruffling Cas' hair and walking inside. Cas closed the door behind him and followed him into the kitchen, unease drifting farther and farther away with each step he took across the wooden floor as his heart filled with a glimmer of joy knowing that his siblings didn't hate him. 

When Cas caught up with Gabe, he found him standing at the entrance to the kitchen glaring at a certain boy who was currently leaning against the counter with an amused glint in his eyes and a smirk that says he knew he was about to get chewed out but couldn't really give a fuck.

"Dean." Gabe said stiffly, addressing him with a nod while Cas prayed no fists go flying.

"How you been Gabriel? Haven't seen you in a while," Dean asked with a grin as he popped a pretzel into his mouth (Cas couldn't help watching his lips as he did so, that boy had the lips authors describe in books).

"Yeah well I got busy looking for my little brother. Tell me Dean, why is it that I had to go looking for him?" Cas could see the anger rising in his brother. Dean held his hands up in mock surrender.

"Hey now, you can't blame our little Cas' actions on me. Not my fault he decided to run," Dean said, making the sarcastic tone in his voice apparent. 

"Gabe give it a rest, go out and see if they need help," Cas pleaded his brother. He saw the muscles in Gabe's body forcibly relax as he unclenched his fist. 

He turned and began walking outside, but paused at the open sliding door before he went out. 

"It's good to see you again, Cas," he said with a sense of sincerity in his eyes before exiting.

"Cas, baby, I think you're gonna have to tell your siblings not to land me in the hospital," Dean teased with a grin, leaning casually against the counter as if my brother hadn't just been moments from pummeling him until he no longer resembled Dean Winchester.

Cas rolled his eyes and walked over to grab a handful of grapes out of the bowl that was across the counter from Dean and the pretzels. As he went to reach in, Dean grabbed the bowl and moved it over next to him, too far for Cas to reach. He signed and avoided Dean's smirking face as he walked over next to him. He just wanted his damn grapes. Was that too much to ask for? He tentatively stood next to the man and popped a grape into his mouth. Which he almost choked on as Dean grabbed him by the collar of his short sleeve blue button up. Cas felt a million thoughts rush to his head at once but he couldn't even think straight enough to acknowledge what they were saying. Dean's fingers fiddled with his shirt for a moment while he smiled like this had been the most enjoyable part of his day so far. Cas couldn't help it when his breath hitched and his heart nearly stopped as Dean leaned in until his lips were brushing up against Cas' ear, not loosening his grip on the shirt collar. 

"Your collar was folded underneath your shirt. But don't worry, I fixed it," Dean informed him before all too quickly letting Cas go and returning his attention to the pretzel bowl. Cas took a moment to return his breathing back to normal- which seemed nearly impossible- before risking a glance at Dean, who was grinning from ear to ear down at the pretzels because he knew he had proven his point. It was written all over Cas' face- and his heartbeat- that Dean still had the same effect on him as he had all those years ago. He could still make his heart race and his breathing stop and his cheeks flush just like he could when they were 23. He could feel Dean's eyes on him as he shakily made his was out back, which is all he had wanted to do for the past 10 minutes.


End file.
